Random events - but of course

I made fun of friends who found their own lives reflected in the big screen. I find it ironic therefore that I find a dialogue resonating with me now. Supporting actress in my life no more! A number of events seem to have triggered this. The confusing thing is that none of these occurrences are connected to my life per se but what they did was bring to fore insecurities that I didn’t really care for. They make me question what I have believed myself to be – self-confident and self-assured. In a life that has not always gone my way and among relationships I alone have cared to sustain, they are the lifeguards I have clutched to. I have imaged myself a certain way and I have truly believed it.
Now I remember why I did. Epiphanies and reality checks occur in the most unexpected places – in my case among strangers in noisy nightclubs. Struck by a sense of déjà vu I suddenly realized when it was last that I had a realization that led me to Not choose a career and stay away from personal entanglements. That realization I’m sure was in no way unique but hit me hard – I cannot keep a distance from people’s personal lives. Under the garb of neutrality and indifference I really am genuinely affected by what is going on in somebody’s life especially when I’m invited in. I therefore find myself in marathon talk sessions with people who I really am not concerned with, persuaded to play shrink in a stinking bathroom to drunken semi-strangers and not really being able to help those who I’m genuinely concerned with. I seem to allow other people’s lives and actions to affect my evaluation of my own life and I hate that kind of loss of control over my own life. I don’t care for it and that had made me stay away from offering my shoulder to anybody for the past few years. The fact that I did so again with such repercussions for myself merely proves my own point to me. I can’t play restroom psychologist; if my worth to the people around me lies in their expectation of a sounding board then that definitely isn’t enough. I hate to realize that my self-confidence is as fragile as to be shaken by knocks that weren’t even intended in the first place; I hate to realize that I’m not as strong as I make out to be; I hate to be the person that I will never really respect – the kind that will procrastinate on facing the problems in their life. But these very words I fear make me that person. If I write this not in a sober state but a half-asleep alcohol induced state then does that mean that I will forget this shot of reality in the morning? In order for it not to be so I will realize these words into cyber-space so that somebody out there reads this and reminds me of what I wrote in a moment of reality.